“Everybody is a genius. but if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid” – – Albert Einstein

All the notes were taken directly from the source mentioned.

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The separation between observation and evaluation (moralistic judgments, criticism, diagnosis, interpretations.)

Explain the feeling and the need, not a diagnosis, interpretation, judgment, or criticism.

“When x happens, I feel Y, the story I make around that, I need for, would you be willing for”

Taking responsibility for our own feelings:

“I choose how to feel or react to the actions or stimuli of others. I am responsible for my feelings.”

Humans have common needs (sustenance needs, safety, empathy (understanding), honesty (clarity), love, creativity, autonomy, community, meaning, purpose, etc.)


There is a difference between a request and a demand.

Use a request to reinforce the positive, explaining what you want rather than what you don’t want.

Request with clear action language, not abstract language.

Make the request specific:

  • Use positive action language (what we want others to do).
  • Ask the other to paraphrase.
  • After hearing the other person, direct your attention to their needs and feelings.
  • Help the speaker connect with what is alive in them and what they really want.

Don’t play the game of judgment and blame.

Proceed slowly and apply the process: hearing, seeking to understand, sharing needs and feelings, and asking to paraphrase what the person heard.

What is the person feeling.. needing…?

What am I feeling in response to this person?

What actions may I request the person take to make me feel more comfortable?

What do I want their reasons to be for doing what I am requesting so that it comes from within?


Showing compassion for yourself to treat others better.

The energy should come and behave harmoniously with your needs and values.

Our mistakes can come as a lack of awareness of the consequences of our actions, inability to see how to meet our needs without injuring others, belief to punish others because they deserve it, and delusional thinking that tells us to do damage.

Empathically holding both the self that regrets the action and the self that took the initial action with the intention of meeting our needs.

Self-evaluate without losing self-respect. It prevents understanding how you feel and what need is causing that feeling. Thus, it doesn’t let you see clearly what actions to take to fulfill the need.


What things are not joyful? Acknowledge that you them by choice and get the intention of why you do those things.

Don’t do things for rewards… (Money, approval, to avoid punishment, shame, feeling guilty). Do things to enhance life.

Make a list of have-to’s: everything you don’t experience as playful. Anything you dread but convince yourself that you have to do.

The problem with the word should because it denies choice.

Add the “I choose to” before the item.

Followed with “because I want…”

Playfulness of enriching life


The first step of expressing anger is realizing that what others do is the stimulant, not the cause. The causes are images and interpretations. Rather, we can reconnect to the need that is not being fulfilled rather than taking a punitive and self-righteous attitude.

Make a list: “I don’t like people who are…” When I make that judgment, what might I need?

Expressing gratitude

  • What were the actions that the person took to contribute to our well-being
  • What needs were fulfilled by the action
  • What feelings from having our needs being fulfilled

Accept appreciation, understand what action caused, and what feeling and need did you the action fulfilled: “May I know what I said or did that contributed to your life?”

Be aware of egotism (feeling superior) or false humility.


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